As always, a song to get us started.
Anyway, show tunes aside (you try to find a better song about something just starting to click in your head in a good way, tell me how easy it is).
A few weeks ago, I claimed to have let the monster loose. The monster is a metaphor for my hungers. Perhaps a little back story is in order first.
You see, the way I think is very...divided. Not categorized or separated even, just that there are parts to the same whole. For me, there are seven true parts, each capable of doing a set task at any given time. That's why it seems like when I lose myself in my own head when working out a problem, there are seven voices screaming things...six ideas, one calling for order.
The one calling for order is Justice. In many ways, she's how I see myself, completely idealized in every facet, wearing a simple gray dress, hair with a bit more red, eyes with a bit more blue...a perfected me. She calls for order, simplicity, an answer to the question. She runs things as a general rule.
The next one is a lawyer/magician, simply called the Witch, in a purple suit. Think Zatanna meets Atticus Finch...and if you don't know who those are, click the links to read more. Thinks on her feet, quick witted, sarcastic, able to pull answers out of nowhere...kind of who I am on a regular basis. She wears a purple top hat to finish off the motif, which she hands to Justice on a regular basis.
Yeah, that's the other thing about Justice. All the others wear hats, which she borrows from time to time to reinforce the connection between the two. Each has a colored theme...Blue's a Arthurian Knight in blue steel armor and helm; a warrior through and through. Green is a flower child, a Hippie, she's fun to bring out when I don't need inhibitions, and she's also the one that makes me able to read others emotions. Yellow holds the keys to all the others, and voice rings out like a bell. She's very similar to Justice in style and color scheme, but wears a hood attached to her dress. She's more like my sister though than me. She's my family ties, my root to the world, she keeps the others in check, but also suggests other alternatives to justice. She's the Devil's Advocate. I call her the Goddess.
Orange is the most different from her color scheme than all the others. The color is often attributed with courage, love, hope...rage even. I guess courage, love, and hope could be used...but it's trust more so for me. For those of you who don't know, I've led an interesting life...one of those things I've had a career of doing has a lot to do with trust, and usually, I'm painted in the other form...but orange is the real one.
I focus on the servant...the ally...the Slave in her amber and red iron collar, a bit more, because she's one who's awakened of late, but more on that in a minute. The last one is Red. He's super logical, lies like it's nothing, rages when necessary...he's the manipulator. He's the Devil. But not the monster. He's a lot like my father, and his horns are a handy tool sometimes.
The Monster is something else. Color and light are two great metaphors for who I am. When all light blends together, you get the purest white, the truth of who I am. When all color bleeds together, you get the sum of all parts. Both very different. If I were to add these two elements in, white is me, pure and simple, the true blending of all pieces.
Lately though, all the pieces have been turning gray. Statues. All of Justice, but none of her at the same time. Perfectly ordered, each with their own place, at their own time, all the hats set on a dais where she might reach them as necessary. She was running like clockwork. Tick, Tick, Tick...robotic-k. That's how I felt for months. Going through the motions
To say I'm sick of it is an understatement, but nothing I did could get me out of it. I started making the joke about "Sara and her Magical Hats," which, yeah, I'll eventually write, but for now, I needed a way out of it. The only way to do that was lock down Justice, let the other six take over...hence, the Monster, the black aspect of my personality.
The room these seven figures are in is like a temple, but dark, with only a single light peering in from the center of the roof. All around the circle of light is black. What lurks there isn't a figure so much...a culmination of everything Justice stands against. Chaos.
To shut Justice down, I shut off the light, and let the darkness take over. Now, I'm not saying I decided to go full on black hat (references...yay!), but I consciously decided to let loose. The first thing it did was tap into the Devil...duh...and through him, the Witch. As such, I became a bitch for much of the last month.
These two are always on the forefront though. Slave isn't, and she was the next. I'm not saying she's never there, and that she doesn't speak up, but it's just not as much. I call her a slave for two reason...one, she's a slave to her passions...the other is she's a willing participant in something that requires the largest amount of trust and devotion I can think of. If I were religious, she'd be a zealot, but I'm not, and so, she's a Slave.
I tap into her specifically from time to time, and to be honest, she runs most of my sexuality, with Witch and Goddess taking up the rest. She also has this unnerving ability to put all the others in check. Her desires, her hungers come first. She's probably what's kept me alive a few times more than I'd like to admit. And then she passes it on to Goddess like it's nothing, who brings every piece of me back.
I think there is some conscious decision that keeps Hippie safely behind the Knight and the Goddess, and completely away from the Devil, as she's the last thing that needs to be tapped into by that side of my personality...likewise with most of them from across the stone pedestal Justice stands upon. The Witch and the Goddess never affect one another, and the Knight and the Slave never affect one another.
The Goddess brought EVERYTHING back this weekend. As such, none of them are statues anymore, the Monster's back in it's metaphorical cage, and Justice stands tall over all again, but so to does the Slave, for the moment. Every piece of me wants to give her a bit of time to stand tall and see what happens...and I'm ready to do it.
We'll see if that's a good thing...soon, I'm sure.
-Sara
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